I have only myself to blame...

I don't want to say "poor Carly" but it's just what seems to come to mind. She is shy! Painfully shy! It takes her a long time to warm up to people, not only in places like school but even with family that she sees often. She does well with grandparents but even aunts and uncles get the silent treatment when they first arrive. I have to remember not to get frustrated with her. You should not compare your kids to other children, but it is hard to not notice how easily some children join in with groups, make friends, just have fun immediately. But it's true, I do have only myself to blame. Andrew is outgoing, confident, and easily talks to everyone. I, on the other hand, am quiet, self-concious, and have a hard time making conversation. It is hard being shy. Some people don't understand it or even mistake it for being rude or snobby. She may look like Andrew's twin, but she acts like mine.

We signed Carly up for cheerleading at church. Why? Because I asked and she said she wanted to. At home, she cheers, she gets excited about her uniform and pom-poms and megaphone. At church, it's a different story. She gets upset on the way there, she won't stand up to practice with the other girls, and I ended up doing more cheering at her first basketball game last week (hard for a shy mom too!!) than she did. So, I'm left feeling conflicted every week. I do not want people to see how she acts and assume that we are forcing her to do something she doesn't like. We get in the car and she knows all of the new cheers- she's paying attention even if she isn't participating! And the answer to my prayers?? Her coach and the coach's mom. She is a 16 year old cheerleader. She hugs Carly. She occasionally asks if she'd like to join in, but she never pushes. Her mom encourages me every week. Last night were individual and team pictures. (Carly has a very hard time with any professional pictures!!) I could not convince her to be in either picture. It makes me sad that she won't be in the group photo, because I have a feeling she'll be right up there with all of them cheering by the end of the season. No one gave us a hard time about it. They just continued what they were doing.

I am rambling...horribly! It's been weighing on me. She always warms up. Her "day in the life" DVD from her class last year showed her doing all of the talking and playing so well with others. Her year started with crying and silence. I know it will get better but I feel so bad that every new opportunity will start this way for her.

(By the way, we started going to Gymboree over the summer. Carly loved her teacher and climbing on the equipment, but even after 6 months she still did not want to do any of the individual activities on the center mat. We stopped going because Taylor got too old to bring with us. But I also stopped because some of the other moms were not so understanding. One particular mom said "That's pitiful" when Carly was too shy to do something. I wanted to slap her!)

When does not enough become too much?

For some crazy reason, ever since Taylor was born it has been bugging me about whether or not I want to have any more kids. Right now, I am almost 100% sure that I want to stop with our two girls. When Carly was a baby, there was a time when we considered just having one. We worried about how much we loved Carly and if we'd ever be able to have enough love for another child. Then we started to worry about her growing up alone. Now we have our beautiful Taylor and our reasons for possibly not having more are slightly very different. Now I worry about not having time for a third and about being so stressed out that I become the "yelling all the time" mom and not enjoying the time I spend with Carly and Taylor. I know right now we are in the thick of the most stressful times...an infant, little sleep, and a preschooler still in the midst of major temper tantrums. So, before we do anything permanent, we have decided to wait a few years. We wouldn't wait to wait more than 2 years again so then we'll know for sure. (To be honest, the only reason I really have for maybe wanting another is so Andrew can have a son. He tells me this is not a problem at all, but I worry he's missing out. You don't get to know the gender beforehand, so this is DEFINITELY not a good reason to keep having children unless you are ok with possibly ending up with another girl.)

So, this leads to me the question of "When does not enough become too much?" Family and friends laugh when I tell them we'll probably stop where we are. We heard a lot of "try one more time for a boy" over the Christmas holidays. But let's say we had one more, a girl, would people keep saying that? When do you get to the point where people start thinking you have too many kids?? Families like the Duggars (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) are rare and you hear a lot of comments about the number of children they have. Do you think anyone ever tells them, "you should have just one more"?

I love my girls and would be happy having just the two of them the rest of my life. I loved being pregnant and the excitement of it (even when I was spending most of the first trimester leaning over the toilet ;) ). It makes me sad to think that may never happen again, but as far as having children, I'm ok.

So what do you think? Will I think back to this one day and laugh, while I'm holding my 3rd child? :) God has plans for me and I am trying to keep my mind open to what he wants for us.

The silver lining..

Things have been pretty hectic around here lately. I'm struggling with the girls' naptime (a much needed break for all of us). Either Taylor falls asleep first and then Carly throws a tantrum when it's time for her to lay down and wakes her up, or Carly falls asleep first but Taylor cries and wakes her up before she really needs to be. So, mommy-time has not existed for a few days and it's put me in a rut. Today I want to point out the positive in hopes of perking me up a little. :)

It's cold this morning. I'm so excited because a friend gave me a monogrammed scarf I've been dying to wear. Carly went to school dressed in her new hat and mittens Gran and PopPop bought her for Christmas. (This pic is before her coat was on. Don't worry, I didn't send her to school like that. :) )

Taylor got her chance to wear her new hat when we got out to go to Walmart. I was afraid it would bother her and she'd cry. Does she look bothered to you??

You can't see them, but Taylor is wearing jeans today. I think she looks so cute in jeans! Right now she's jumping in her horse jumperoo and talking baby talk to....I think the leg?? She's so happy in there!

On Saturday, we're having a much needed date night with two other couples with babies. We're leaving the kids at home and eating at Cheesecake Factory (YUM!!) and then playing at ESPN Zone for awhile (Chuck E. Cheese for grownups! :) )

So, I may add more later, but so far these things have just made me feel really happy today. :)

Confessions of a Bad* Mom...

So, I'm just going to put it out there. I am a bad* mom. I do things that would make some moms cringe, and I'm not afraid to admit it (any more).

Both of my girls drank formula. I tried (unsuccessfully) to breastfeed both of them. Carly was too sleepy, even when we'd strip her down to her diaper, tickle her, etc. Taylor got too hungry too fast, even when we'd wake her up to feed her. For something supposed to be so natural, it did not come naturally to me- physically or emotionally. It's too young to tell with Taylor, but I am happy to report that Carly is not stupid, is not a picky eater, and has had one slight ear infection in three years. (and I have a feeling Taylor won't end up so bad either. :) ). I applaud women who do breastfeed because I know what a struggle it is, but I don't appreciate anyone who judges me because I didn't....and to be honest, IF we have a third child, I might not even try. It was really hard having the first days with my babies be full of crying hysterically (me and them).

Carly eats foods with ***gasp*** high fructose corn syrup. I never even knew people freaked out about this until I joined an online mommies group. Again, if you choose to feed your children more natural foods, I think that's wonderful but don't judge me for giving my kids juice or fruit snacks.

I let Carly *****even bigger gasp***** cry it out as a baby (but not until she was 6 months old). When nothing got her to sleep, or kept her asleep once she was in the crib, we decided to try it. It is hard but it worked. We did check on her every few minutes to comfort her, but she ended up being a great sleeper (at least until I was about 6 months pregnant with Taylor!- different story).

And last, but not least, I let Carly watch tv. Not all day and not everything under the sun, but I do. I wish I was super mom and could find a way to cook, clean, shower, make myself presentable, etc. while still keeping my child entertained tv-free, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

(*Bad by other people's standards. I personally do not think I am a bad mom. Far from perfect, but not bad.)